Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
