Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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