I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
