I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
