she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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