Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize