So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
