I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
