I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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