Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
