oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i love accidental penises.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
