so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
