You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
