benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
