Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
