I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
