Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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