I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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