Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
