I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
