All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
