Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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