i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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