Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
