Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
