Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
