there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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