There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
