I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
