my sisters under your porch take her home
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
