Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
