How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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