PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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