dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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