Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
