I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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