you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize