After last night, I could never be a politician.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
