life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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