If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
