so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
