i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
