My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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