I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
