If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
