Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
where am i from again
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
