I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
