I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
