my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
