literally had 100 drinks last night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
