I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
