I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
