why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
