I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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