he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I accidentally burped into my bong.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
