I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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