Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
