I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
