He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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