So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
